Gemma* is a final year student who has just recovered from an alcohol addiction that no rehabilitation centre would understand.
"I hated my sober self.”
The 22-year-old History student said she never really went on clubbing nights out, she just used to hide in her room or in toilets to drink herself to happiness. “I used to secret drink because it made me happy and gave me this hyper euphoria you get like when you take caffeine.”
At the age of 18, Gemma was attending interviews to get into university and found herself taking gulps of Vodka for confidence. She said she was naturally a shy girl and found it hard to speak up so alcohol helped her become the version of herself she wanted to be. “I had this alter-ego in my head where I become this other girl who I want to be. A bubbly, charming and confident girl, all of which I am opposite of when I am sober. I hated my sober self.”
It did not stop at university interviews. It was her routine to chuck down vodka when it came to job interviews and nearly every social situation. She started to feel the need to always keep a bottle of alcohol in her bag to get her through what she would find unbearable in her sober state.
“It came to a point where I was needing it everyday and it sort of became embarrassing when the shops I went into would recognise me. It helped that I did not have the typical alcoholic look as I just looked like any other normal young student.”
At the age of 18, Gemma was attending interviews to get into university and found herself taking gulps of Vodka for confidence. She said she was naturally a shy girl and found it hard to speak up so alcohol helped her become the version of herself she wanted to be. “I had this alter-ego in my head where I become this other girl who I want to be. A bubbly, charming and confident girl, all of which I am opposite of when I am sober. I hated my sober self.”
It did not stop at university interviews. It was her routine to chuck down vodka when it came to job interviews and nearly every social situation. She started to feel the need to always keep a bottle of alcohol in her bag to get her through what she would find unbearable in her sober state.
“It came to a point where I was needing it everyday and it sort of became embarrassing when the shops I went into would recognise me. It helped that I did not have the typical alcoholic look as I just looked like any other normal young student.”
“Could not face myself anymore."
Alcohol soon took over Gemma’s life and saw her go down in a spiral of depression. She started waking up in hospitals after being found drunk and passed out lying in her own vomit in public places. She lost a few part-time jobs for turning up drunk. Her family started to give up on her and her boyfriend felt she needed to go to a mental health unit.
Her wake-up call came when she started to feel suicidal and one day got so drunk that it made her think about the person she had become. In her cloudy minded state, she walked to the overhead bridge with intentions of jumping off it. “I hated the girl I became and I just could not face myself anymore. I was extremely disgusted with myself.”
Luckily, a couple was walking past who stopped her and managed to hold onto her while they rang the ambulance. “I am thankful for them because I was actually going to do it. Instead, I sobered up in the hospital once again.”
Gemma said that her Drugs and Alcohol service found her situation to be more mental health related than actual alcohol dependency. “I tried to get help from them before but apparently I was not as dependent as they would have liked me to ironically.”
Her wake-up call came when she started to feel suicidal and one day got so drunk that it made her think about the person she had become. In her cloudy minded state, she walked to the overhead bridge with intentions of jumping off it. “I hated the girl I became and I just could not face myself anymore. I was extremely disgusted with myself.”
Luckily, a couple was walking past who stopped her and managed to hold onto her while they rang the ambulance. “I am thankful for them because I was actually going to do it. Instead, I sobered up in the hospital once again.”
Gemma said that her Drugs and Alcohol service found her situation to be more mental health related than actual alcohol dependency. “I tried to get help from them before but apparently I was not as dependent as they would have liked me to ironically.”
"I still have doubts that I might go back to my old ways."
She made a promise to her family and boyfriend that she would stay away from alcohol but desperately needed their support. “They could see I was falling apart but this time, I admitted I was.”
After support and her closed ones keeping a watchful eye on her, Gemma said she does have the occasional drink but it does not feel no where close to what she was like before. “I am glad I can now drink and not want another one just to get high and confident. Laying off the booze has now changed me for the better person. I still have doubts that I might go back to my old ways but I know I have the support I need now.”
After support and her closed ones keeping a watchful eye on her, Gemma said she does have the occasional drink but it does not feel no where close to what she was like before. “I am glad I can now drink and not want another one just to get high and confident. Laying off the booze has now changed me for the better person. I still have doubts that I might go back to my old ways but I know I have the support I need now.”
*Name has been changed to protect anonymity of interviewee.